Life, Lately

Hey, sooo I've been absent from the blog world for the past two weeks. I've missed blogging, but even more than that, I've missed reading all of my favorite blogs. I have tons of catching up to do! Oh, and I'm breaking the cardinal rule - the one I mentioned in a post a few weeks back. Writing a post without images.

I thought it was about time for a little update and explanation for my absence. Thamires, one of my best friends, came to visit two weekends ago, and then that Sunday, I unfortunately got super sick. I actually lost my voice briefly... and I still happen to be somewhat sick, nearly two weeks later. Well, then Jacob and I broke up last Wednesday. We were together for two and a half years and we've lived together for the past year and a few months. He moved out Sunday (and took the modem with him, so I've just set up my internet again today). So while I care about my blog and all of the goals I set for myself, I found it necessary to give myself a break for a while... and I'm really glad I did.

Aside from work, I've just been spending the past two weeks either curled up (or pushing through work) feeling horribly sick and trying not to throw up (it is now primarily reduced to periodic coughing fits), spending time with my amazing and supportive friends, laying in bed listening to music and/or thinking about life, reading lots, and of course doing whatever has been necessary to set my house up for living alone. Zoe, another best friend of mine, drove up from Portland to visit last weekend and was so incredibly helpful. We went shopping for a bed frame, mattress, vacuum cleaner, and all sorts of other household items that I got rid of when I first moved in with Jacob in June of last year. After a full Sunday of shopping (while Jacob and his friends moved his stuff out), she and I built my new IKEA bed frame (it has drawers for my stuffed animals! Hah) for around six hours with just a brief dinner break. By that time it was pretty late, so she ended up sleeping here for a few hours, then woke up and drove home at 4:30am (it's about a three hour drive from Seattle to Portland) to make it in time for work at 8:30am. See? I wasn't kidding about those amazing friends.

I'm not going to dive into the details, but I will say that Jacob and I have been talking about this for a little while now. Ironically, pretty soon after we moved to my new house together. Or maybe not so ironic... it just seems funny in terms of timing. We had it all planned out. We were going to live here for a long time. Get married. Have kids. Work on the house together. As it turns out, though, relationships are fragile. Maybe it's just me, but I've always found that even seemingly solid relationships can unravel far more quickly than you'd think possible. We're too different. And I won't speculate as to what exactly went through his mind, but for me, moving here made everything so real. That vision I mentioned was coming true... and I found that I wasn't ready. That we're too different, which has been true for a long time, but which we've blissfully ignored because there was so much good.

It's really, really hard to let go of someone who is such a good person. Someone who treats you far better than you could have dreamed to be possible. Someone you were so sure you were going to be with for the rest of your life. But when you know it's ultimately not right, you just have to push through it, to let go. Neither of us wanted it to get to the point where we felt totally trapped and hated each other. We're still really good friends and I think if we had waited too long and dragged it out, that might not be possible.

It's also time for me to just... learn what it's like to be me, to be on my own. To rely on myself. To work on goals I set for myself, new and old. To be the person I want to be. And while I feel like I know a lot more about myself and am more confident in some ways than I was a few years ago (before I met Jacob), I have a lot more to learn. Of course, with the right person, at the right time, in the right kind of relationship, you can definitely do that while in a relationship. But there is something to be said for knowing what you are capable of on your own. At least I hope so. I'm 25 and I feel both sure of myself and totally lost simultaneously. Everything is exciting and terrifying.

I've always known that I am different. Everyone has their own unique traits and things that differentiate them. But, to approach it simplistically, most people also fit a little better into (for lack of a better explanation) what I guess I deem the Corporate vs. Artist. I work as an accountant. I've met lots of friends at my previous job and current job, and most of them are "Corporate" types. I love that they are generally reliable and practical, good about spending and planning for the future, etc. Jacob definitely fits there, and those are some of the reasons I was attracted to him in the first place. Then there are the "Artists," whom I love for their creativity, incredible sense of design and appreciation for the world's beauty. They often tend to be more carefree and open to risks and adventures.

And then there's me. Somehow, I've managed to sit right in the middle. Very, very Corporate in some ways, very very Artist in others. And even beyond these extremely general classifications, it's always been that way for me. When I was applying for colleges, people would always ask me if I was going for something more "math/science" or "English/history." Well, I liked and excelled at math and English. I always did the planning and organization for our group events but I also liked to make things and loved graffiti. I know these are all small, random examples... I could go on and on. But the bottom line is that I have always felt like a paradox. I never felt like I belonged anywhere and that's always been fine with me. I prided myself on being different and I still do. But as it turns out, different gets lonely sometimes. Very, very few people have ever truly understood me and that makes me feel lonely.

Another thing I should mention is that while in some ways I'm very focused, in other ways I have an incredibly short attention span. I never stay interested in anything for very long. I like vastly different styles, sometimes changing my taste by the day. It's been so hard to decide how to decorate my house because I have all of these contrasting design ideas. I can't even pick a favorite color. Every time I go to the salon my hair turns out completely different - I often can't even decide what to do with the color scheme until I'm sitting in the chair looking in the mirror and I decide because I have to.

Jacob knows who he is, what he wants, what he's doing, and how to get there. He is in the Corporate box and that's totally awesome, because he's happy where he is, he's determined, and he's going to make it some day. It's simple, recognizable, and has a clear destination. I, on the other hand, am off building my own box. And painting it pastel rainbow with cupcakes and sweets and adding glitter and decorations. But halfway through, I'm already bored and want to make it red and black and white with a gothic trim. And my box isn't even rectangular, it's star-shaped. Oh, but maybe heart-shaped would be better. Or maybe I should shape it like a cupcake and just do a light pink/aqua color scheme. And some days I feel like this will continue into eternity, until I'm old and I'm sitting in a room all alone, and all I have is hundreds of half-finished boxes of different shapes and colors.

If that made any sense... =)

I have so much to do in the next month. Two craft fairs to prepare for. Gotta fix the leak and hole in my house (plumbing issues). Get the rest of the stuff I need for my house, like sheets and a comforter. Get through every work day and focus on accomplishing everything, regardless of all the fuzziness and thoughts rattling around in my head. Work is getting busier too. At least I feel mostly healthy again. But even so, there are days, or even parts of days where all I want to do is sleep and shut out the world for a few weeks.

But while I've gotten burnt out plenty of times over the years and taken short breaks to recover, one thing I absolutely refuse to do is to completely fold and give up. I made this choice to be on my own and now I have to stay strong and deal with the consequences. I don't know anything about houses and I'm terrified something will go wrong with my house and I'll have no idea what to do. But I'll have to figure it out. It's definitely not all bad. I have genuinely enjoyed getting out of the house more often and seeing my friends more, lately. I'm excited about the design possibilities for my house. I'm going to start running and get in shape. I have lots of plans... and I'll figure this out, figure out my new life. I finally decided what tattoo I'm getting. I could never settle on a design before... but I'm doing it. Being decisive. Zoe's helping me design it (she's a graphic designer). It's going to represent the next few months or however long it takes me to figure out my new life. Because if I can get through this, I can get through anything.

The Power of Books

I know your lives don't revolve around when I do or do not post, so I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I took a brief (week-long) blogging break. I spent a lot of the time finishing up and shipping out orders in my shop (update on how the Heart Walk went soon!), editing seven college application essays for friends and family, as well as learning to put less pressure on myself overall. I have a tendency to set myself tons of goals that are doable, but not reasonably within the time frame I give myself. Then I burn out for a little while. So while I know I will never stop setting myself goals, I am learning the importance of and working on that whole "pacing yourself" thing. =)

I mentioned in my birthday post that I wanted to read the Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson. My brother, Corbin, recommended it to me. In his birthday post, I also talked about how we used to read all of the time (he still does) and sometimes fight over who got to read a book first. I think the last time I read a book was in February of this year, and before that I'm not even sure. I always say "I don't have time for that," and it's certainly true... but let's be honest. It's not about having time for something, it's about making time for something. So I vowed to myself that I would shuffle around my priorities and make time to start reading again.

This past week has been a little crazy and stressful due to things I've mentioned above and other life events I'd prefer not to dive into at the moment. But no matter what is going on, as soon as I open that book and start reading, everything else disappears. Especially in a fantasy series such as the Mistborn Trilogy. For that brief time, I don't even exist - just the characters and the incredible world someone else has created. I've been feeling very strongly that I need a brief break from this life - a month-long vacation, to live somewhere else for a while... something. But in the end, I am still practical and realistic at heart, so I will stay here, physically. Books are a way to let your mind travel, at least. They have always been a favorite mental escape of mine and I can't believe I ever let myself forget that.

Last Friday, I had all these goals on my never-ending to-do list. When they involve someone else depending on me, I make those a priority. But most of them were just personal goals that really could wait a day, or a few. So instead, I started reading Mistborn. I set it aside for a few days to finish shop orders, editing the essays, and other tasks, but yesterday I picked it up and finished the first book. Mind blown. If you like fantasy series, you should absolutely read this trilogy. I haven't read the second or third books yet, but if they're anything like the first... they will be incredible. It's the kind of book that doesn't end with the last sentence, because it lingers in your mind. You think about it when you're laying in bed that evening and even the next day. The characters feel incredibly real, like you know them. It's more vivid than a movie, because a movie can't play directly in your mind. Someone else describes them, but in the end, you imagine everything with your own spin.

I'm learning that sometimes it's okay to give yourself a break. Sometimes it's okay to spend four hours reading a novel instead of writing a blog post, or go to bed at 11pm (instead of 4am) and finish editing those pictures the next day. So I have new goals for myself. I still want to do everything I'm doing now, but I'm going to learn some moderation. I'm going to be calmer. I'm going to make sure I'm healthy and less stressed. I already eat pretty well, but I'm going to start exercising. I'm going to read more. I'm going to put more effort/time/money/whatever-it-takes into charitable work. I'm going to make time to see my local friends or talk to my long-distance friends and family on the phone. I'm going to let myself be happy instead of just always being stressed. This means sometimes I'll only post once or twice in a week... while other times I'll post five or six times. And I'll be okay with it.

I do have lots of projects and other things I've been meaning to post for a while now, and I do plan to share them. So bear with me as I figure out how to be this person I want to be and lead the life I want. I also want to remind you that if you're like me - someone who used to read constantly but just doesn't have the time for it anymore - just do it. Set aside a few hours and start that book. If you're like me, you like to read books cover to cover in one sitting. Sometimes that isn't possible with the busyness of life these days, but even reading books in chunks is better than nothing at all.

Someday, I will write a book, or a few. I don't know what genre yet, and I don't have a plot. But it will happen. Books are one of the most powerful contributions anyone can make, and I think I deserve to at least let myself give it a try. In the meantime, I'll read the incredible contributions others have made to the world of reading. No excuses. Oh, and I'll let you know how the other two books turn out to be. =)

On Depression and the Fragile Human Psyche

This post will have a bit of a different tone and is a lot more word-heavy than most. I like to stay positive and share the good on here because I think the world needs more positivity. And at this current stage in my life, things really have been going great and I have a lot of reasons to be positive, so it’s genuinely me right now. But you know, life is never perfect and I thought I’d share a little bit more. It’s long, but I really hope you read through it. =)

Buying a house is interesting. I’ve shared some of my excitement about it on here in small bits, but it’s also a huge process. I can’t wait to slowly realize my vision for the place. But right now, there’s a lot of things that require time, money, and energy. It’s stressful for everyone involved, and like any stressful situation, it tends to exacerbate certain qualities in people. I’m generally fairly private about my relationship, so I don’t share a whole lot about it here, positive or negative. Like any relationship, there’s ups and downs. Moving brought out a few of the downs for both of us and it has made me realize a few things. Humans are so fragile. We know how fragile our bodies are – sometimes it shocks me how many things out there are dangerous, how there are so many things out there that we are vulnerable to. But what I’ve really thought about lately is the fragility of our psyches and our happiness. Maybe it isn’t that way for some people, but I think it is for a lot of others.

Sometimes I read other bloggers’ entries about depression, about insecurities that plague them, about their fears. And sometimes, I'm ashamed to say, my initial reaction is, “that’s silly – life is so good and we’re so fortunate… how could anyone be that sad about it all of the time?” But I immediately think back to most of my life, throughout high school and most of college.

Here’s the thing. I had no real reason to be unhappy, as if you need one. I didn’t understand people who weren’t unhappy, and I didn’t understand why I was. Circumstances obviously make a big difference, but for me, I think it was just inherent. I needed a reason to be happy and I didn’t have one. I just felt very blah about everything. Feeling depressed wasn’t being sad all of the time, it was just not caring about anything. I remember this event freshman year of college. I used to play tennis and be really obsessed with it… and I had the opportunity to go with fellow tennis club members to see the Venus sisters play a tournament, along with other top tennis stars. I sat there, watching the Venus sisters play, thinking, this should be one of the coolest experiences I’ve ever had, and instead I was just wondering, why isn’t this making me happy? Why can’t I be excited about this? I should be thrilled! What’s wrong with me?

I eventually worked through things, and once I became more sure of myself, more comfortable with who I am, who I wanted to be, and what I wanted to accomplish, happiness slowly started to follow. I also really hate to admit this because I very strongly value my independence, but being in a relationship has always helped me feel more stable and happy as well. I know, it’s a silly thing to resent. But as much as I’d like to think I would be stable and happy on my own, I just don’t know. I haven’t really been single for an extended period of time since high school.



So this just sounds like a long pointless entry now, but I do have a few things I want to say. And I really want to emphasize that I don't think I'm any kind of expert on depression. As with any other emotion, depression manifests itself in all sorts of ways. People react differently. I realize that. So I'm writing this based on my own experiences, with no claim that I understand exactly what it's like to other people. But help me learn - if you have experienced (or are experiencing) it yourself, it can be terrifying to talk about, but it's important. I hope you write about it, talk to other people, leave me a comment or e-mail, or share in whatever other way works for you. Without further ado, here are some thoughts.

1.       If you are a naturally happy person, kudos! I really do think you’ve won the life lottery (in this regard). But please just understand that some people don’t need a reason to be unhappy, they just are. Just because they seem to have everything and there’s nothing to be ungrateful about doesn’t mean they can just force themselves to be happy. (A recent internet example I found interesting was Bloggess, who has been open about her lifelong struggle with depression.) For some people it takes a lot of work and it’s something they have to actively work toward, work through unhappiness, work on being more comfortable with themselves, or work on opening up emotionally. Unhappiness can often seem selfish, because it is. But that doesn’t mean an unhappy person is just a selfish/self-absorbed person. When you’re inherently unhappy with yourself or your life, it’s so, so hard to see beyond that because it clouds everything else. It’s like you’re driving, and your windshield just keeps getting foggier and foggier. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad driver, you just can’t see what’s going on outside as well and you have to work on clearing it up inside first. So if you are fortunate enough not to have experienced this, please don’t judge those who have. And please try your best to be understanding. It really, really helps.

2.       If you are unhappy yourself, you can get through it. I honestly don’t remember ever being truly happy for more than a few months at a time… until just a few years ago. There are so many causes of unhappiness (or, as I mentioned, some people just naturally are), but if you try to continually improve your life and yourself, I really believe/hope you will get there naturally. Of course everyone is different, and this may not work for everyone, but it’s worth a shot. Though I’ve never been to therapy, I imagine a large part of why it works is because it helps to tell people things, to say it out loud, to admit things and let out your emotions. I used to think I was a very unemotional person because, well, I was. It took me a long time to realize that I actually have quite strong emotions. But because I was proud and who knows why else, I didn’t want anyone to think I was emotional, or to ever show weakness of any kind. I was so proud that I almost never cried in front of anyone. But that was a lie. When I really, really needed to cry, I learned to suppress it all day and act fine. Then I would wait until it was night time and I was all alone. I’d lock my bedroom door, the door to the attached sink/closet/bathroom area, and then close the door to my walk-in closet. And sit in the closet and cry alone, hidden safely behind three layers of doors. Or I'd cry in the shower at night, where no one could see or know, and then I'd wash away my tears and go to sleep.

I forced myself not to care, and eventually I didn’t. But for me, I couldn’t just suppress the sadness. It came as a package deal. If I couldn’t be sad, I couldn’t be happy, like a big blanket over my emotions. Hence, I was just nothing most of the time, which really is one of the most terrible things to be. Work on yourself. Figure out what you want from life, what you want from yourself, and then do it. And that’s much easier said than done, because (for me, at least) the nothingness feeling meant I also didn’t want to do anything. But doing something sometimes is just trying to understanding yourself. First step to self-improvement, I'd think. Write a journal. Write down goals and work through them slowly. Your goals can be small to avoid getting overwhelmed and giving up. But it gets easier and easier. I promise. And don’t be afraid to talk to someone about it, someone you truly trust. If they laugh at you or treat you like a freak (which I really hope they wouldn’t), they didn’t deserve to be trusted in the first place. Depression is something so many people go through – it shouldn’t be embarrassing. I write that, knowing it can be, and that I'm afraid to write about this here, where a lot of people I know can read it. But it shouldn’t be embarrassing. So let’s break that. I promise myself I am going to post this.

It’s so easy to be jealous of other people who appear happy - people who have things you think would make you happy, like money or beauty or talent or a slim figure, whatever it is you covet. But when it comes down to it, happiness is something that comes from you. It’s in your mind, part of that fragile psyche. So who cares what the heck other people are doing? I’m not saying envy is easy to get rid of, but it doesn’t help. So try your best to look within instead of looking at what everyone else has around you, because the answer really is within.

You know what I learned about me? That I’m an introvert, and I need time alone to recharge. But if I get too much time alone I psych myself out and depress myself. I think about friendships lost, things I consider failings in my life, how much I need to do but haven't done yet, etc. So I need a good balance, and I don’t apologize for that. If I need alone time, I take it, I don’t go to a group event just because I should, or sometimes I leave early if I need to. Being around people constantly wears me out and when I’m worn out, I’m stressed and more prone to feeling depressed. I plan my schedule and agree to or say no to things as necessary. I try my best to be a very, very good friend, but I can't be a good friend if I'm a mess. So sometimes I don't pick up my phone when I'm in a mood and need some time for myself. It works for me. I choose the people in my life very carefully, and they are ok with me and my random quirks. I've made sure my boyfriend understand the importance - when I really want to leave a party or sometimes if I really don't want to go in the first place, he gets it. Who you surround yourself with makes a huge difference.

3.       If you went through a period of depression in your life and you’ve conquered it, congrats! I hope you will use your own experiences to help others, rather than to judge others who haven’t conquered their demons. Nowadays, it is so easy to sometimes read entries about other people’s struggles with depression and think, snap out of it. I did. But I didn’t. I’m not sure it’s even possible. I don’t ever want to forget. Not because I think we should dwell on it, but because like anything else, we can learn. We can learn to be there for others, to be patient, because I needed that from others back then. And don't forget to appreciate anyone who helped you sort things out. This is my reminder to myself… never forget. Use my experiences for good, to help me appreciate things I have, what I’ve accomplished, how I’ve grown in so many ways and moved toward my goals.

If you've read through all of this, thank you! If you feel comfortable, I would appreciate so much if you would share any of your thoughts or experiences.