I thought it was about time for a little update and explanation for my absence. Thamires, one of my best friends, came to visit two weekends ago, and then that Sunday, I unfortunately got super sick. I actually lost my voice briefly... and I still happen to be somewhat sick, nearly two weeks later. Well, then Jacob and I broke up last Wednesday. We were together for two and a half years and we've lived together for the past year and a few months. He moved out Sunday (and took the modem with him, so I've just set up my internet again today). So while I care about my blog and all of the goals I set for myself, I found it necessary to give myself a break for a while... and I'm really glad I did.
Aside from work, I've just been spending the past two weeks either curled up (or pushing through work) feeling horribly sick and trying not to throw up (it is now primarily reduced to periodic coughing fits), spending time with my amazing and supportive friends, laying in bed listening to music and/or thinking about life, reading lots, and of course doing whatever has been necessary to set my house up for living alone. Zoe, another best friend of mine, drove up from Portland to visit last weekend and was so incredibly helpful. We went shopping for a bed frame, mattress, vacuum cleaner, and all sorts of other household items that I got rid of when I first moved in with Jacob in June of last year. After a full Sunday of shopping (while Jacob and his friends moved his stuff out), she and I built my new IKEA bed frame (it has drawers for my stuffed animals! Hah) for around six hours with just a brief dinner break. By that time it was pretty late, so she ended up sleeping here for a few hours, then woke up and drove home at 4:30am (it's about a three hour drive from Seattle to Portland) to make it in time for work at 8:30am. See? I wasn't kidding about those amazing friends.
I'm not going to dive into the details, but I will say that Jacob and I have been talking about this for a little while now. Ironically, pretty soon after we moved to my new house together. Or maybe not so ironic... it just seems funny in terms of timing. We had it all planned out. We were going to live here for a long time. Get married. Have kids. Work on the house together. As it turns out, though, relationships are fragile. Maybe it's just me, but I've always found that even seemingly solid relationships can unravel far more quickly than you'd think possible. We're too different. And I won't speculate as to what exactly went through his mind, but for me, moving here made everything so real. That vision I mentioned was coming true... and I found that I wasn't ready. That we're too different, which has been true for a long time, but which we've blissfully ignored because there was so much good.
It's really, really hard to let go of someone who is such a good person. Someone who treats you far better than you could have dreamed to be possible. Someone you were so sure you were going to be with for the rest of your life. But when you know it's ultimately not right, you just have to push through it, to let go. Neither of us wanted it to get to the point where we felt totally trapped and hated each other. We're still really good friends and I think if we had waited too long and dragged it out, that might not be possible.
It's also time for me to just... learn what it's like to be me, to be on my own. To rely on myself. To work on goals I set for myself, new and old. To be the person I want to be. And while I feel like I know a lot more about myself and am more confident in some ways than I was a few years ago (before I met Jacob), I have a lot more to learn. Of course, with the right person, at the right time, in the right kind of relationship, you can definitely do that while in a relationship. But there is something to be said for knowing what you are capable of on your own. At least I hope so. I'm 25 and I feel both sure of myself and totally lost simultaneously. Everything is exciting and terrifying.
I've always known that I am different. Everyone has their own unique traits and things that differentiate them. But, to approach it simplistically, most people also fit a little better into (for lack of a better explanation) what I guess I deem the Corporate vs. Artist. I work as an accountant. I've met lots of friends at my previous job and current job, and most of them are "Corporate" types. I love that they are generally reliable and practical, good about spending and planning for the future, etc. Jacob definitely fits there, and those are some of the reasons I was attracted to him in the first place. Then there are the "Artists," whom I love for their creativity, incredible sense of design and appreciation for the world's beauty. They often tend to be more carefree and open to risks and adventures.
And then there's me. Somehow, I've managed to sit right in the middle. Very, very Corporate in some ways, very very Artist in others. And even beyond these extremely general classifications, it's always been that way for me. When I was applying for colleges, people would always ask me if I was going for something more "math/science" or "English/history." Well, I liked and excelled at math and English. I always did the planning and organization for our group events but I also liked to make things and loved graffiti. I know these are all small, random examples... I could go on and on. But the bottom line is that I have always felt like a paradox. I never felt like I belonged anywhere and that's always been fine with me. I prided myself on being different and I still do. But as it turns out, different gets lonely sometimes. Very, very few people have ever truly understood me and that makes me feel lonely.
Another thing I should mention is that while in some ways I'm very focused, in other ways I have an incredibly short attention span. I never stay interested in anything for very long. I like vastly different styles, sometimes changing my taste by the day. It's been so hard to decide how to decorate my house because I have all of these contrasting design ideas. I can't even pick a favorite color. Every time I go to the salon my hair turns out completely different - I often can't even decide what to do with the color scheme until I'm sitting in the chair looking in the mirror and I decide because I have to.
Jacob knows who he is, what he wants, what he's doing, and how to get there. He is in the Corporate box and that's totally awesome, because he's happy where he is, he's determined, and he's going to make it some day. It's simple, recognizable, and has a clear destination. I, on the other hand, am off building my own box. And painting it pastel rainbow with cupcakes and sweets and adding glitter and decorations. But halfway through, I'm already bored and want to make it red and black and white with a gothic trim. And my box isn't even rectangular, it's star-shaped. Oh, but maybe heart-shaped would be better. Or maybe I should shape it like a cupcake and just do a light pink/aqua color scheme. And some days I feel like this will continue into eternity, until I'm old and I'm sitting in a room all alone, and all I have is hundreds of half-finished boxes of different shapes and colors.
If that made any sense... =)
I have so much to do in the next month. Two craft fairs to prepare for. Gotta fix the leak and hole in my house (plumbing issues). Get the rest of the stuff I need for my house, like sheets and a comforter. Get through every work day and focus on accomplishing everything, regardless of all the fuzziness and thoughts rattling around in my head. Work is getting busier too. At least I feel mostly healthy again. But even so, there are days, or even parts of days where all I want to do is sleep and shut out the world for a few weeks.
But while I've gotten burnt out plenty of times over the years and taken short breaks to recover, one thing I absolutely refuse to do is to completely fold and give up. I made this choice to be on my own and now I have to stay strong and deal with the consequences. I don't know anything about houses and I'm terrified something will go wrong with my house and I'll have no idea what to do. But I'll have to figure it out. It's definitely not all bad. I have genuinely enjoyed getting out of the house more often and seeing my friends more, lately. I'm excited about the design possibilities for my house. I'm going to start running and get in shape. I have lots of plans... and I'll figure this out, figure out my new life. I finally decided what tattoo I'm getting. I could never settle on a design before... but I'm doing it. Being decisive. Zoe's helping me design it (she's a graphic designer). It's going to represent the next few months or however long it takes me to figure out my new life. Because if I can get through this, I can get through anything.
